TV or Not TV

When I was pregnant with my first child, I joined a popular parenting website so I could partake of their weekly emails comparing the size of my fetus to various fruits and vegetables. ("Week 19 : your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces, and is about the size of a large heirloom tomato!")

Even though my baby now weighs about as much as a bushel of large heirloom tomatoes, I still get random emails from the website. Some of them are informative (I now know "pour a Seven and Seven" is not something most 13-month-olds can do), some are more entertaining ("What your toddler should be drinking"--seriously? There's a need for this?). But some of them just make me shake my head and wonder just how soon humankind will reach Hell in this handbasket we're travelling in.

Today, for example, I got "5 tips for responsible tv viewing" in my in-box. I thought I'd already been practicing responsible tv viewing--I don't let my kids watch infomercials and I never let them watch if they've been drinking--but I decided to err on the side of caution and see what helpful hints lay in wait for me at the other end of the link.

What I found was actually a list of five more links to articles loosely related to tv viewing by children: Screen time guides for younger and older kids; 7 ways to break the tv habit; what to do when news or tv shows upset your child; computer games and guidelines; and a poll asking whether my child has seen a PG-13 movie.

I'm not concerned about my kids' tv "habit." (Trust me, of all their habits, watching tv should be the least of anyone's concerns.) I don't let them watch the news or "adult" programs, and the only time I've seen either of them get upset over tv is when the Yo Gabba Gabba gang stops singing the Toddler's favorite song. They can't get computer time because their father and I are bigger than they are and not above shoving either of them aside to get to the desk first. And I think that poll is just a sneaky attempt to get me to admit I let my kids watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High because I was too drunk to get up and put them to bed. So I decided to check out the "screen time guides."

I started with the "older" kid version, since the Toddler really only watches one show (unless he makes off with the remote and somehow changes the channel to ESPN2). The older kid watches the greater variety of programs, although his evil mother refuses to let him watch anything on the Disney channel because my observation is every one of those shows could easily be titled "How to Be a Smartass and Point Out How Stupid Adults Are."

The "guide" was actually a couple of paragraphs reminding me that "screen" is not limited to tv, but an all-encompassing term referring to essentially all forms of electronic media, and allowing my child to spend more than two hours per day partaking of screens ranked me right up there with a cranky supervisor in a Honduran sweatshop. Additionally, I must not allow a computer, tv or video game console in my child's bedroom, and must insist all electronics devices be shut down well in advance of bedtime to allow my child to "wind down."

I don't have a problem with the not-in-the-bedroom part. I won't even allow those items in my own bedroom (though I suspect my husband sneaks his DSi into bed and pulls it out after I'm asleep). But as for shutting everything off "well in advance of bedtime?" Not a chance in hell, dude.

I get home for the day around 5:40. The oldest goes to bed at 8:00. If I were a good parent, I would spend the entirety of that two hours and 20 minutes paying attention to my kids. (If I were a really good parent, I wouldn't work at all.) Fortunately, I got over any aspirations of being a good parent years ago, and the simple fact is, I have shit to do. And when I'm doing shit, my options are either let the older child watch tv, or let him follow me around like a birddog. And I don't like birddogs.

There is also a lack of consideration for individuality here. Sure, some kids would probably readily accept the end of tv time and wind down on the sofa with a good book. These children are not mine. My child is seemingly unable to shut down his brain unless he's staring blankly at images displayed on a screen.

But really, where's the harm here? He's not watching A Clockwork Orange. Lately, he's been really into HGTV (which gives me hope of someday having a fabulously decorated house to enjoy with my tv-addicted children). Is the world really going to stop turning because I let him watch Ben Ten Alien Force before bed? When I think back to the number of hours I watched tv between the ages of 2 and 20, well, I don't know how many it was, but it damn sure averaged out to more than two hours a day. I spent the better part of Summer 1989 trying to save the princess (and the ungrateful bitch didn't give me a damn thing for it, either).

So yeah, I think I'll let common sense be my guide here. As long as he's not drooling incoherently into his oatmeal, I don't think there's a problem with his watching Alf re-runs before bed. Except for the whole "watching Alf re-runs" part. I really need to work on that.