I Have Girl Wood for Michael Ian Black.*

*It's kind of a shame my husband doesn't read this, because he would totally appreciate the "girl wood" reference.

Mi amor is a big fan of The State. Big, big fan. A majority of our conversations have gone something like this:

Him: (obscure reference)
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Him: It's from a State sketch.
Me: Of course.
Him: I can't believe you didn't watch that show.

I did watch that show. But in The State's heyday, I was over 21 and doing things that over-21 people do--like work all day and weep bitter tears in a bar all night. Ergo, I don't necessarily remember every sketch. He, on the other hand, was in high school, doing things high school people do--like memorize every sketch on The State.

There were definitely a few that stuck with me over time. "Slash," for one, because I found the idea of a Slash infestation riotously funny (albeit scary as hell). "Blueberry" still comes to mind every time I bite into a muffin. And who could forget "The Jew, The Italian and the Red-Head Gay"? Not this wise-cracking Gen-X'er. No, sir.

So when he told me he blew his wad on a limited pre-release copy of the show's entirety (all however-many seasons) on DVD, I wasn't nearly as excited as he was. Although I was glad for the opportunity to see the Slash bit again. (It really is that funny.)

Then we watched it, and it all came back to me. Of course I remember this show. I watched it all the time. Now I remember the sketches from whence my husband draws his obscure references.

What I didn't remember was Michael Ian Black being so damned hot. I mean, he's practically edible. Even dressed like a girl in the "origami" sketch. (I'm a product of the 80s, so I'm naturally attracted to men dressed like girls. What can I say?) And when Levon starts talking about all that pudding, I want him to throw me down and take me like I'm a big ol' pile of butterscotch.

I don't care that the images I'm getting all hot and bothered by are a good 15 years old. I don't care that he's married with children (and so am I). It's not like anything will ever come of my lustful admiration. If there were any actual chance in hell of me tracking down Michael Ian Black and eventually conning him into doing the nasty with me, it wouldn't be a fantasy. It would be stalking. And that's not Good Eats.

Now I'm glad my husband doesn't read this, because if he did, he'd probably start talking like Levon the next time we get jiggy with it and I'd be so embarrassed I'd turn six shades of crimson and die.

On an unrelated note, I also didn't remember "Chicken Lady" wasn't a State sketch. When I asked if it was possibly on the third DVD, the husband looked at me with pity and said "That was 'Kids in the Hall,' dear."

Oh, yes. I thought they were hot, too.