20 October 2009

An Open Letter to the Guy I Stalk at the Gym

Dear Gym Candy,

Hello again. Or rather, hello for the first time, since I’ve never actually said hello to you. Or anything else, for that matter. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever even smiled or waved in your general direction. So…hello!

It was sure good to see you again last night. I hadn’t seen you for a while and was starting to think perhaps you changed your workout schedule in order to avoid me. But that would be silly because you don’t even know me, so you wouldn’t go so far as to switch up your whole routine just to steer clear of my staring! Ha ha! At least, that’s what I told myself when I started to get really depressed about your absence and started thinking about cutting myself again. Anyway, I came in last night and there you were! So I guess maybe you haven’t been around because you’ve been putting in lots of hours at work or something. Or you've been hanging out with your really super hot girlfriend. But no, that’s silly, because if you had a super hot girlfriend, you wouldn’t be at the gym every night, you’d be with her, right? Right! Ha ha!

I really hope you don’t mind me staring at you all the time. It’s not like I’m a psycho or anything—duh! Seriously, I’m not even really interested in you as a relationship prospect. I’m at least twice your age, married and I have kids and come to think of it, you sort of look like an old boyfriend I had in high school, so it’s possible you could be the other kid I put up for adoption junior year. But they told me that kid was adopted by a couple in Canada, so it can’t possibly be you. Not that it matters, because I’m not interested in actually doing anything sexual with you. Really.

No, see, I have serious adult ADD, and when I get on those cardio machines, WOW! My attention span just stops! And I get totally bored. I could watch tv, since there are like, eight tvs there, but usually they’re turned on something stupid like Dancing With the Stars or Fox News. Ick. And I’m at the gym to try to relieve tension and release stress, not to get more! So I can’t watch tv, and I can’t watch the Weight Lifting Dudes because even though they’re interesting and provide excellent comic relief, they always catch me watching them and get the wrong idea. Ewwwww. Besides, I hear those guys that do steroids end up lacking in certain areas, if you catch my drift. Wink wink!

So when I saw you, you were so cute and unassuming, and you have a nice face. Like you might be a really nice guy. Or maybe you’re a real douchebag but you at least look like you could be nice and that’s all that really matters because I’ll never talk to you anyway.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you for using that weight machine with all the pulleys the other night. I know I was probably staring extra hard and it sort of looked like you were getting annoyed by it, but the thing is, I’ve wanted to know how to use that machine for months now but the trainers scare me and I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone else how to use it. But now after watching you use it for a good 30 minutes, I think I can figure it out. So thanks!

Well, that’s all I really had to say. So I guess I’ll wrap this up now. See you soon—I hope! Ha ha!

Your Friend,