TelePhoney

I’ve mentioned my aversion to technology and gadgets. It’s not so much I think the old-fashioned way is the better way—certainly MP3s are better than CDs which were better than tapes which were leaps and bounds better than LPs, and I’d shoot myself in the foot before I’d go back to typing things on a typewriter. It’s more complicated than that. I don’t feel superior to technological advances. To the contrary, I feel ridiculously inferior.

See, gadgets make me nervous because I usually don’t understand them. I don’t understand how they work, or why they work, or why I can’t get them to work. They rely on concepts that are foreign to my 1980s brain—concepts like “waves” and “Wi-Fi” (I still don’t know what the fuck “Wi-Fi” stands for, although I have figured out it has something to do with wireless internet. Go Me!). They seem to operate more on ideas than actual mechanics. And that kind of witchcraft just scares the piss out of me.

If the fear weren’t enough, there’s the added humiliation of knowing many people—most of them half my age or less—are not only comfortable with these concepts, but know how to use them to their advantage. And that makes me feel inadequate, and—dare I say it—old.

This is part of the reason why I’ve held on to my cell phone for so long. (Do they even call them cell phones anymore? Are they “wireless communication devices” now? Or have they replaced land lines altogether and become known as simply “phones”?) My current phone is a flip-up type with a (bad) camera. My phone can make and receive calls, send and receive text messages, take and send pictures, and tell me what time it is. I can set an alarm on it to wake me up. It has a calculator feature. And I can record 30 second voice memos, often without even knowing I’m doing so.

I’ve maintained it’s all I need—I’m no slave to gadgetry; it’s a phone, for Chrissake, and all I need it to do is make and receive calls. I don’t need a phone that makes me French toast for breakfast (a simple bagel will do just fine). So you can keep your blueberries and your palm trees, ‘cuz this girl don’t need ‘em. No, sir.

Then my husband decided he’d had enough of his old flip phone. The battery wouldn’t hold a charge, and the phone itself wouldn’t hold the charger. I strongly advised him against a palm tree (I think the term “divorce” was used), and one day last week, he went to the Sprint store and returned with an LG Rumor.

I circled it a few times, sniffing it and poking it with a stick. When I determined it wouldn’t bite, I picked it up for closer inspection. I slid the face plate to the side and took my first look at the tiny QWERTY keyboard.

“Oh, now, see, this,” I began, shaking my head in self-righteous affirmation. “This just wouldn’t work for me.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m used to texting with just one hand.”

“When do you need to text with only one hand?”

When I’m driving was the obvious reply, but not the one I necessarily wanted to give him. I chose the next best option. “You know, like, when I’m holding a toddler.” Duh.

I smugly handed him back his fancy-pants phone, secure in my fuddy-duddy ways. It just wouldn’t work for me, because I can’t possibly text with two hands. However would I drive--or, uh, hold the toddler? Impossible.

But I found myself stealing casual glances at the LG Rumor, with its pretty display and its nifty little buttons.

“Does it play music, too?” I asked, trying not to sound too interested—you know, because I was only asking to be polite.

“It can. You have to buy the SD card for it.”

“Oh, sure.” Like I knew all about SD cards. “How much do those run these days?”

“About 20 bucks usually.”

Ah, see? Another downside. You cough up the cash for the phone, then you gotta buy extras. That’s how they get you, every time. No, thank you.

But the LG Rumor kept showing up at the same places I was. Almost like it was trying really hard to get my attention. It even called me a few times. Oh, sure, my husband claimed to be the one calling, but I’m not stupid.

Then I started thinking about my recent attempts to solve my organizational issues. It sure would be nice to have everything in one nice central location—my calendar, my phone list, my to-do list, my grocery list, etc. It would be even nicer if that central location could poke me when I needed to be somewhere or do something, or remind me to check my to-do list. And then I started contemplating the PDA. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was online, ordering a new phone—

The Samsung Rant.

It’s gotten mixed reviews, but so has just about everything out there. The greatest complaints seem to be about short battery life, but I don’t plan to spend consecutive hours texting my peeps. It’s very similar to my husband’s LG Rumor, but because I was (well over) due for an upgrade, it was free.

Did I hear someone say “free?” I sure did!

My new phone should arrive in the next 1-3 business days. I’m so excited I pee a little every time I think about it. I’m a little nervous about figuring it all out, but considering it only took me a year or two to learn how to operate my MP3 player, I think I’ll be okay.