Well, not that I ever really left.
I don't have time to blog. But I need to blog. I don't have time to complete posts to my blog I get paid for, much less this one. But I have too much crap in my head that I can't post on that blog, because paying gigs limit your content and creative license. And I need a lot of creative license.
I'm sure posting will be just as erratic and unpredictable as ever. But you never know...
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I'm meeting with another headhunter today. This will be three now that I have trying to find me a job--you'd think at least one of them will be able to pull something out of their ass within the next six months. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to stand living here in limbo. I certainly can't spend much more time juggling 75 open files on my own.
I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. Entirely, completely, absolutely overwhelmed. It's not like I have a lot to do--"do" as in physical labor, I have a husband and children for that. The problem is that I have to be the brains of the entire operation--it's up to me to remember everything, up to me to schedule everything, up to me to pay everything. I manage the finances. I manage the house. I manage the bills. I manage the kids. I manage meal planning. I'm like the goddamn CO ordering my grunts around and supervising them while praying I haven't overlooked anything. And it's too much for one person. But no one else is willing to take on the responsibility. And even if they were, they do such a half-ass job of it, it causes more problems than it's worth.
I appreciate that Ben gets the kids up and dressed and fed and ready and out the door every morning. I do. Really. But really, when I've already got Bob's drugs dispensed out and his clothes laid out and his bag packed, how damned hard can it be? It's not like he's keeping track of homework or permission slips or anything else. Okay, he does give Bob his lunch money every day, but he doesn't even do that right--just gives him a set amount, which is actually incorrect, and calls it a day. What the hell?
The unfortunate reality is, I could do it all on my own. The only thing I can't do is earn a substantial paycheck.
I'm sure he feels the same way about me--that I do nothing while he holds down the fort all by his lonesome. I wonder if all couples with small children feel that way.
Truthfully, we've almost painted ourselves into a corner where it's no longer feasible to raise children when both parents are employed full-time, unless they work opposite shifts. The schools complain there isn't enough parent involvement but the kind of involvement they want is ridiculous, unnecessary, and overburdensome. No, I don't have time to take my child to the library even once a week, because I have to spend at least an hour working with him on his homework. And we're only all home together for about two hours between dinner and bedtime. So I can either find a way to incorporate more hours into a day, or I can give up sleep and force my kids to follow suit. Neither seems like much of an option.
I did tell the husband today I can see the time coming when I will have to forego my job for something less time-consuming and demanding, like substitute teaching, so I can be available for the family. The older Bob gets, the more problems I can see him having, and it's going to make it hard for me to be available for him if I'm tied to a full-time job. Ditto for Boozy. Not to mention all the other shit I micromanage on a daily basis.
Forget living "green"--we all should learn how to live "lean."
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